Hello and good day,
This week I wrote a post here for the first time in a while, finished 2 recordings of original songs, made YouTube videos, and posted them to my youtube music page, Astara Summers Music, as well as my FB personal page and music page.
In and of itself that is no big deal but here is the thing, well two things.
First, I have felt like I have been walking through glue for so long I have not been able to get anything meaningful completed in a long while when it comes to my projects.
Second, every time I shared my music and other created bits I have had my feet to the fire. The fire of great expectation, hoping for acknowledgment or recognition of some kind. And yes, making my parents proud. That is laughable now seeing how life has unfolded. Keep in mind I got this notion of being a singer or some big star back in the late 70’s.
However, with few exceptions, what I stepped into was huge disappointment, heart ache and break, humiliation, and sorrow. I also slipped into slight depression and faced a new battle with self-worth that was not there while I was in “the process” of creating.
This cycle did not just relate to my music. It repeated with writings I put my heart into from posts on this site and FB, my book, poetry, my online courses, and the physical art I created. The art ranged from pieces made from wood gathered in Sedona with feathers and crystals. The paintings were acrylic on canvas.
There are multiple millions of people in this country and billions in the world, yet I have attracted only a few in all the creative areas of my life. I contemplated giving up when I was wallowing and making my way out of the pit only to find I just couldn’t. This “thing” that keeps calling me to come out, share my creativity gets quiet but never dies. I am grateful for that truth.
Creative Spark
In life, creative energy came to me and I captured it. I was ready because it always meant something to me. When the stream of creative energy arrived, it was a priority. I have written over 100 songs, lots of poetry, and have filed many writings for future posting and that number keeps growing. Regular jobs were always place holders. A way to make some money to live so I could do what i wanted to do; make art and music.
This week I gave it another go and the amount of attention or recognition is the same, next to nothing. However, this time around I am different yet again. It did not happen over night I assure you. What I felt when I shared this week was simply good. No fanfare, no expectations, no disappointment. This week I know I did my best and I also know I am not in competition to be super star material. I may I have always known that, but I had a dream once upon a time or so the story goes.
After all the postings this week what I noticed was a genuine feeling of being ok. Dismantling the abusive inner critic has been a work in progress since I was young. I have not had to deal with the horrific cruelty that followed me since childhood for awhile now. Even so, I had not been completely free either to simply feel all right about sharing my work while going unnoticed, unappreciated, and ignored.
Healthy Self Love
I have known (and practiced) for a long time that I must be the one who can appreciate the work I do. Then let it go. One just never knows how much they have grown until they try again. The benchmark of that growth is obvious to all who are honest with themselves. I am one such person and that might be exactly why I took so long in-between putting my work out there again. More inner work.
This week my inner voice was gentle, kind. It was my voice. What I heard and listened to was, “keep going you got a lot more to deliver and now is the time.” It was not pressure. It was encouragement. Then I had the thought of a new kind of freedom coming to me. What I am doing is a transmission and not a performance. Sharing creative works accumulated from decades of woodshedding feels like a healthy release. That is the fuel that will sustain me going forward. As I sang and played my guitar, I felt a quiet nudge to relax, enjoy more, breath easy, and keep going.
Most of my life I felt a dark force holding me back. I know my mother cursed me constantly, but it always seemed like more than that. The inner critic of old was my mother’s voice; vicious, cruel, and heartless. As I got older my own voice took over and echoed her messages until I was able to recognize what was happening and break the tape. I even wrote a song about my relationship with her called “Too many times.” It has not been recorded yet, but it will be.
Change is upon us all
Something has changed and not just for me. Something has changed for many of us embodying the light, quiet hidden. It is our time to deliver what we have been given and shine unapologetically. It is time to share whatever it is your soul came here to share with those who are still rambling around in the dark; confused and afraid of most things. We will all get better at whatever that is as we go along but the time for remaining hidden is over.
I realized how happy I am that I never gave up. This day would be here to do what I have always known. The difference would be that I would have to start from nothing. As it is I have been practicing, learning, writing, and doing it because it was in my heart to do. All my efforts did not pay the rent, but I am healthier for it. Many hidden creatives have the same story. Doing the work with no pay. Still, we all received something intangible, and it is good to recognize what that might be.
If you are someone who must begin from the beginning do not waste another minute. Where there is a will there is a way. If there is something in your heart to do, do it. It does not mean you will make money, but it does not mean you will not. What it means is, you feel what you are being called to do deep in your heart and down to the bone. That is your cue to begin, to continue or to remember.
I feel like a breath of fresh air has entered my life. I plan to enjoy the process more now that I am free from the expectations. At the sweet wondrous age of 70 I have no illusions of being a super star. In fact, for the first time ever I recognize how close to the end of my life I am. It is not morbid nor sorrowful. Just a new understanding that never came to be before now.
Transmissions not Prerformance
My creative offerings are transmissions and knowing that has set a fire in my heart bigger than it has been in an extraordinarily long time. When I pass on, it will be with the knowledge that I gave it all one more go. I will not be waiting at deaths door filled with regret. All of this matters a lot but not in the way that it did. How it matters now is a sense of giving respect to the muses and guardian angles that have been by my side, in my heart and guiding me these many decades. I am free to unfold as I see fit and the tsunami of song I talked about many years ago is about to roll.
What is in you, in your heart that wants to come forward? Please do it, give it, come what may. We are all needed and necessary for the changes that are upon us. Big or small the world needs us all to shine and share. End of transmission love Astara
My husband Freehawk and I April 15 2026 Stuart beach on a 2 day get a way
