Precarious Situation RoadTrip
I was young, 19 or 20 years old. I hitch hiked to Florida to be with a traveling musician I meet in my hometown. They traveled around many states playing gigs. In hindsight it was all close to the bottom of the barrel type places. I remember when being so wounded lead to some poor decisions like hitchhiking alone across the country.
I had been in a motorcycle accident not long before this time which was traumatizing enough however In addition, I could not escape my mother. My relationship with her had a violent pitch. I lived in an apartment with some girls from the junior college yet she violated my personal space leaving me and my roommates horrified. I could not stomach the terror any longer. So, I ran from my troubles. It was the classic out of the frying pan into the fire.
Fast forward about a year:
I should give him a proper name but as I reflect on this bizarre and unhealthy relationship, I will just call him that guy. Guy got into a local band in Florida, his home state. Away from my mother for a time I remembered my childhood desire of being a singer and pushed myself into this band as a backup vocalist.
If you think back at what I just told you it must be obvious that I was a total mess. There was a strangle hold on my voice from all the abuse I suffered starting at a very young age but let’s not digress.
I remember when I screamed more than sang. I suffered humiliation rather than back out of the band with grace. On some level I knew they did not want me. Denial is a powerful thing. Guy on the other hand played great and sang, an essential part of the whole; so they tolerated me.
Blue River band
The Blue River band was getting a good repertoire together. They were all seasoned musicians and all about 10 years older than I. Guy had lied about his age and was with his peers. I, on the other hand, was a much younger good-looking dysfunctional mess.
The band got a few gigs in town. A member of the band turned my mic way down, but I did not know it. With no designated sound person they probably took turns.
There was a scene in Mayberry that I saw many years after this where Barney was singing for some event and the sheriff turned his mic off completely. He just sang louder and so did I. When I tell you that I could send shockwaves with the sheer power of my voice I speak truth. That did not bode well for anyone. My denial kept me from noticing all the cues around me.
Out of Town Gig
The band got an out-of-town gig. I was super excited because they finally let me sing lead on a couple of songs. I did sing better as a lead but not very well. You could count on me singing flat. Singing harmony had me in a state of disorder and always landing on the lead line.
There was another back up singer in the group. She was the bass players girlfriend and always got to sing lead on a few songs. She could sing after all. I thought she was my friend, but I was wrong. I did not have friends in the group. Little did I know they were all secretly plotting to quit the band, then reform without me. Guy knew and said nothing.
Road Trip
We traveled in a few different vehicles and one of them got a flat tire. According to everyone Guy included, I was the obvious choice to leave behind. The other back up singer was not essential either, but she was not about to miss an opportunity to sing in a bar to stay with me.
Thinking about it now, what a wild ass thing to do, leave me behind by myself. Sadly, I did not protest. I do not think there were as many murders as we have today but really come on!
I stood there like a helpless lamb watching them pile the gear into the other cars and drive away. All I knew was that they said they would get help when they got to the gig. This is the 70’s no cell phones no internet.
I told myself that this was the right thing to do for the band as if the band cared two hoots about me. I also told myself I was worthless so why not. It was my sacrifice to make even if I did not get to sing. Not once did I think about the possibility of harm coming to me. Was that why it did not? Were my angles working overtime again?
Deserted road
The road had little to no traffic. To say it was a long day is an understatement. Help did come eventually. The man who arrived was prepared to change the tire and lead me into town. He was more than a little shocked to see how young I was waiting on the side of the road by myself. My low self esteem had me quickly making excuses for the thoughtless bunch. Truth is, what they did was not ok. His reaction helped me see that for a moment.
Finally arrive
It was dark when I arrived. Several bands were on the line up to play, each having a short set. By the time I got there I had expected them to have had their turn. For reasons unknown the call to the stage for them came late and guess what I got to sing. Ha ha ha.
I remember when I walked in the door I started to shrink a bit as I saw the way they looked at me. Truth is, I was either shrinking or inflating as a way to fit into my environment. The crowd held lots of distractions from that unwelcome greeting. And just like that the blue river band was up.
A bit of a miracle
They played well but this is the first time I remember when I sang great. Not good but great. Something came over me and set my voice free. The sound of my voice was worthy of applause and the crowd delivered. I know it was magical. This was my reward for staying behind, or so I thought. I got to experience my true voice. It was my voice, free from entanglement. It was the voice that only I heard, until that night.
Comments from the crowd.
Our time was up; we all came off the stage and I remember when I heard a compliment for the first time. Strangers came up to me saying how great I sounded and why didn’t I sing more songs etc. I said something like “well, I’m just getting started.” The bass players girlfriend was in disbelief but not happy for me.
Long time passes
Well, the band did all quit to reform so they could dump me. I cried like a baby for way too long. It was many years before I could really sing but I never gave up. It was in my heart to do. It still is. I am not the greatest singer in the world but that night ignited a tiny flame that did not lose its glow over the course of time.
Looking through a different lens
I am happy that I did not give up. I think that my health would have suffered if I had given in to the critic’s naysayer and my own doubt. I cried a lot of tears, wrestled with a lot of inner demons and always I would rise. It took some time gathering strength and courage to try again but I did.
To this day I sing. I have written many songs over the years and though I have not experienced success in the traditional monetary sense it’s all right. I am still woodshedding, sharpening my ax and fine tuning my skills because now I really enjoy it and there are no strings attached.
I Remember When:
I lived in utter denial and self loathing. My tainted desire to be a singer came with illusions of grandeur. I was going to be a super star and in that twisted desire all my problems would be gone. Why did I think that? Because I thought money would save me from my desperate life. Another delusion of course. The path to clarity took many years, an ocean of tears, and mountains of rejection.
The only reason I received the precious few minutes of experiencing my voice free and clear was to keep me searching within for the key. The key that would not only unlock my voice but unlock my Self.
I did not know this at the time. What I did know was the experience was undeniable, magical and fleeting. It was the tiniest flicker of a distant memory come to life. Much like a lifetime lived before this one.
Back on the deserted road
I put my life in danger for the benefit of people who did not care about me and a few minutes to sing on stage in a dirty bar.
So much has happened between now and then. So much happened long before that. It takes some doing to break a child’s spirit and desire to live leading to choices that are self destructive. The point is, no matter your story or stories there is a light within calling your name.
All the answers we seek are seeking us waiting patiently as we adjust the lens of possibility.
Don’t ignore the tiniest of signs or go all in on the big ones without taking a beat to discern.
Be Still. Feel the beat of your own heart and know you are magnificent.
May the flame of your hearts’ truest desire flare to life becoming an undeniable beacon of hope and love.
love Astara
