Things I Think About
When we were born, we were little vessels full of nothing but love. As we grew the experiences of life change that perfect scenario. For me, that change began at an early age. The shift from love to fear was unsettling.
Birthing Denial
Around the age of 5, I remember thinking “If I just throw that into the back of my mind, I can forget about it.” I do not know how I came to that idea, but I used it so often that throwing fear and painful things into the back of my mind became a habit.
The sticky part came when the “back of my mind” became so full I leaned into unhealthy behavior. I had no one to talk to. There was no loving grandparent, kindly auntie and certainly not my parents.
The arguments my parents had were loud, vicious, and often. I was afraid of not having money for the household bills, oil to keep the house warm during the winter, would my parents stay together and on it went. As an adult I can see the link between fear and survival.
Things I wish I knew
When emotions are denied rather than expressed, they get stuck in the body taking up space until such time a vibrational signature meets a vibrational match. At this point an opportunity presents itself to release the pent-up emotions to be free of the weight of denial. I gave birth to denial when I began to “throw things into the back of my mind”
A vibrational match, some event/person, meets a vibrational signature, denied energy, and an opportunity is at hand to release trapped energy. I faced a lot of opportunities as a youngster, and I can assure you it did not look like opportunity to me. I had no skills to move energy consciously and did what many people do, reacted, and acted badly.
The Great Pretender
Without skills or understanding all the repressed emotions expressed in an unhealthy way.
Reacting to triggers brought a measure of guilt which in turn invited shame and more fear. What happened after the explosion? The energy retreated into the shadows once again. I turned inward talking badly to myself about my actions, feeling shame, guilt, and anger. I grew sullen and depressed. With so much energy hiding in the shadows another round of chaos was bound to happen. Repeatedly I pulled myself back up, hid my dwindle sense of self and acted as if everything was fine. The great pretender took shape.
If I knew Then What I know
The best thing I could have done would have been to move denied energy out of its hiding place in a conscious manner without causing harm to myself or another. That was far from my capabilities at the time.
As a young adult there was no limit to what I would blow up and ruin in my life, but I did not know why. Unconsciously I was playing the role of Grand Master of self-sabotage. It is amazing what one can set to flames when there is no sense of self worth to defend and protect the goodness that life presents.
I started to see what I was doing and had to understand why I hated myself and my very existence. I did a deep dive inward asking myself all the tough questions. It made for a difficult life. The desire to untangle myself took front and center.
Some of What I Discovered Through Direct Experience
It took me a long while to understand that my emotional outbursts were carrying old stories, and painful experiences from the past. Survival and denial went hand in hand. When a situation caused an emotional response, the opening to express drew with it the denied information. All the unspoken, unexpressed energy came along for the ride making the bang bigger than the situation called for. It took time but I started to feel and see the signs of emotional charge wanting to blow. I experimented with healthy ways to move my energy that allowed me to gain a measure of emotional intelligence and maturity.
I discovered that I could push it, tip it, or flood it out of my vessel (body) consciously using sound techniques such as toning, singing, humming. I explored many different techniques using my breath and meditations that worked wonders.
Nature: A Great Healer
In nature, I found peace. New thoughts would spring to mind that promoted healing. In the safety of nature, I danced wildly and sang to my hearts content. No one to tell me to shut it, such a relief.
I found that simply breathing while sitting up against a tree was great medicine to soothe my soul. Running, yoga or going for a swim allowed me to consciously move energy. Peace and clarity restored. Moving my body helped move energy and shifted brain waves to compliment a peaceful mind or creative idea.
I would drink water to hydrate and then write in my journal which was always handy. I used it to write down my thoughts, a poem or song lyrics. Doodling was part of that joy. If you have not taken up writing, I highly recommend it.
Diary /Journal
As a young girl I loved to write in my diary. At that time, the diaries had little latch locks that made them feel like a safe space, private. This is where I got to say the things I needed to say.
My mom betrayed me and any trust I had left in her. She snooped in my diary then used things I wrote about against me. She punished me for my private thoughts. I was trying to sort things out but that was too dangerous, so I stopped for a time.
Writing in a journal reentered my life several decades ago. Again, a wonderful tool that helped me sort out what was old emotional charge with what was currently happening. Putting life experiences into a coherent thought moved me leaps and bounds into the area of mental and emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. Both of which are foundational for love to fill and flow through the vessel as intended.
Combine Modalities
With all the things I was learning and teaching myself over the decades I found that combining modalities resonated. As an example, I would start with a chant that led to ecstatic free style dance which led to a meditation and then writing.
Finding the flow is key. It does not have to fit anyone else’s idea. All forms of creative expression are valuable springboards to peace and a better understanding of oneself. Writing songs was a major go to for me.
The real magic comes when you find your own flow. That was and is exactly what I do. My flow shifts of its own accord. I never doubt the timing of the shift; I just flow with the change. The best way to keep the flow alive with love and life force is to feel the necessary changes and be brave enough to make them.
Service To Another
Thinking of the needs of someone else is wonderful and necessary to round out the personality. A silent good deed is magic without an announcement. Lending a helping hand, my favorite kind.
A word of caution here. Do not neglect yourself while doing good works. Self-care is vital.
For a short bit I felt such good vibes when helping others until I realized I was neglecting my own deep inner work. I lost a sense of clarity. My own inner work was difficult but necessary, so I prioritized my well being and continued the path to my own heart.
If service to others takes over because it feels so good that you neglect the call to heal yourself, take a step back and reevaluate. A silent good deed here and there is still my favorite.
Giving Back
I did find a way to give back when the time was right. I held meditation classes, provided workshops/play-shops sharing the many things I learned along the way. I authored a book and created two online courses for people who are interested in discovering their own deep wisdom. When the time is right, find a way to give back that is true for you.
Loving Life!
Living on earth is wonderful and challenging. There was a time long ago when it was difficult to imagine that I could love my life but here I am.
We came to learn to love ourselves and others. I know from personal experience anyone willing and interested can.
If you are at the threshold of change I hope some of my experiences have given you ideas for your journey, the path that leads to your heart.
Decide to live in a way that allows love to flow. If allowed, love will move and guide everyone toward healthy decisions and the ability to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.
Love Astara
