I have shared the importance of life reviews on many occasions and wrote a blog post giving different ways one can go about it in December 2010. I share this personal “Life Review on Judgment” journey I took some time ago to show you how uncovering parts of the dusty, cloudy or forgotten past can propel us into new levels of awareness. New awareness brings understanding that fuels positive growth (if that is our intention). In doing your own life review (self-discovery journey), what you discover has potential to liberate you as well as provide a benchmark for your growth.
For years I felt judged. I felt blamed for everything. I felt like I was the reason everything went wrong in everyone’s life. To top it off I was called out as self centered, self absorbed and egotistical with comments like, ” The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
It took a long time to find the source of such a strong and long standing feeling that destroyed any sense of self worth or self-love I once had. What replaced self-love was self-loathing, blame, shame, judgments, and guilt.
Clearing and cleaning the mess within, layer after layer, eventually brought me to my very early childhood where it began in this lifetime.
A very Sensitive Child:
I was a very sensitive child feeling every bit of the fear for my own safety, as well as worried about my family, as the battles between my parents raged on. My siblings and I heard everything. I listened intently. What I heard sounded to me like “we, the children, were the cause and the reason for the fighting.” I heard things like: We need money for their shoes, clothes, food, oil for the heater and so on. The conclusion I came to was that if we weren’t there they would not be having these fights and problems. I internalized it and personalized it not realizing it had more to do with the lack of money and poverty consciousness than it had to do with us. I felt responsible and tried to make things right.
Patterns develop:
A cycle of the parents volatile fights with each other followed by my father leaving, my mother broken, angry, frustrated with only one place to release her pain and suffering was in motion. Everyone suffered.
From where I stood, it became a twisted mess that culminated in judging myself and blaming myself for all my parents’ misery. I could find no way to make it better and through the trauma I began to fragment, lose parts of myself in overwhelm and fear. It felt like a ping or sharp exit of something leaving my body. My first remembrance of this was when I was about five years old.
Eventually I forgot how it began, partly because I didn’t understand what was happening and partly because I wanted to forget. The pattern was set and I deepened it unconsciously every turn of the way until I was emitting a frequency that silently told the world I was to blame, their troubles were my fault whatever they may be, and the judgment grew in strength as I repressed the rage I felt for being judged and blamed.
Blame puts a stop to healing and understanding:
It began in my innocence, a child with a tender heart and no way to understand what was happening.
I remembered telling myself, “If I wasn’t here everything would be better, everyone would be happier,” and on it went. This was the beginning of planting and germinating the seed of suicide. I nurtured this seed with thoughts of death. Then forgot I did that until I found myself confused, addicted to drugs, over dosed twice and truly killing myself, a slow kind of suicide.
Forgetting is an Illusion:
It is amazing how we create and then forget what we put into motion; forget that we are creating our lives. Forgetting doesn’t change this truth. The “forgetting” is the illusion. If we have intent to get to the bottom of things or better-said reach the core of our self-created patterns, untwist our twisted path, we will.
Perseverance is Key to Regaining our Wholeness:
Perseverance is key. The journey into the underworld of our wounded self is not an easy one but it is a path to freedom from the invisible forces that hold us prisoner. It is the path that liberates our soul so we may live the life of joy as was intended. This path then illuminates our way, our thoughts and brings home the missing pieces of our true self.
I felt everyone was judging me but in truth I began to blame and judge myself at a very young age. With that I attracted situations that could have freed me from the lie but instead I took the path of strengthening the judgments by feeling every part of the victim.
Return Home to Your Heart:
These patterns are self created not because we were bad or stupid or weak or unworthy but because we were innocent, tender, unskilled and felt unsafe. Then fear drives us apart from our own divinity. Do you think our parents or caregivers had it any easier mentally or emotionally? I think not. They did the best they knew how and now it is time for us to do our best.
It is time to return, to take the steps back or forward into the light from where we came, even if it means walking into the dark to get there.
Ask for help when you need it.
It will hasten the journey but remember it is assistance and is not meant as a way to relinquish your responsibility. Confide in someone you trust, reach for guidance when you get confused. Find the core cause of your pattern without getting attached to the story. Discover the treasure of “understanding” that allows love to release you from it (the pattern). You will find your inner strength and courage, your talents and your divinity all waiting for you to bring them home to your heart. You will come to understand the importance of forgiveness as another integral key to your own freedom.
It all began with the self and so it can be said it begins and ends with you.
Somewhere along the way we all discover a helping hand or a guiding light until our own light shines bright enough for us to see. Remember how powerful and beautiful you are. When our heart is healed, open, filled with the love of Source, it is easy to remember we are connected: we are not alone.
Break through, Feel, Get Real:
Are you feeling judged, like the world is out to get you? Do you judge others? Either way, this path leads to dimming down. Find your way back to the truth. Find your way back to the light. Find your way back to love. Take the journey of self-discovery and recover what has been lost to you. In this way sharing and caring becomes a joyous and sustainable part of everyday life.
Break through, feel, get real, then love will have room to grow and expand our consciousness.
Become who you have always been a beautiful, bright, soulful, being of amazing talent.
YOU are light, beautiful, creative and uniquely you.
This world would not be the same without you or me 🙂
Love and light
Astara
