I Remember When # 3

Why I Started The ‘I Remember When’ Series

I decided to share parts of my life with others when it occurred to me that it is possible my personal experiences might open or touch a place within someone else causing them to consider something new. Or for some, to reconsider something old that may have been forgotten. I hope to bring light and courage to your journey. One small flame reaching out to touch another.

Fragmentation

I remember when I walked around looking so confident, some would say “full of myself” but behind the mask, I was empty. My true Self, the authentic me, fragmented. I remember breaking away from myself for parts unknown. I eventually wrote a song about it called “Remind Me.”

Verse 4 goes like this: Well, a piece of me flew away that day. It felt like a ping I didn’t know what to say. Fear took hold and I changed that day. Piece by piece I kept flying away til I was gone.

Fragmenting did not happen all at once. Pieces of what made me who I am and came here to be, disappeared without my awareness. Shocks and fears created instability resulting in more fragmentation.

All The Signs Were There

An inner neon sign reads “vacant” but for how long? My vibrational signature was sending out a distress call. My cry for help went unnoticed because the family unit was fragmenting and because I wore a mask of confidence to shoulder through the chaos. So, what fills the spaces left behind?

Speaking for myself it was fear, grief, and a deep longing to go home not knowing where home was or what that even meant. What I did feel was that earth was not my home. The dichotomy of loving and preferring nature while feeling like earth was not my home was lost on me at the time.

Shell Of My Former Self

I was becoming a shell of my former self, innocence gone too soon. Everyone experiences the results of fragmenting in their own way with one major common denominator; life is a fraction of what it could be.

I put on a face growing ever more distant to the truth of who I am. I adopted an expression not so uncommon. I remember when I wore a tough exterior, talked too loudly, laughing at all the wrong times, fell in and out of bouts of depression, while shallow breathing rattled my nervous system. Self medication in the form of drugs eventually came into play.

What Brought Me Joy

I remember when joy flowed through me. It happened when I danced, sang, and did silly stuff to make people laugh. My mother was cruel in her criticism and broke my spirit more times than I can count. The freedom and flow of innocent expression began to stiffen with constant scrutiny.

Punishment

Constant fear of retribution shook me to my core. The punishments never fit the crime. I remember when being on high alert was the norm and yet anxiety would escalate even further when my dad raced out of the driveway into the night after they had a vicious fight. Verse 4 of “Remind Me” speaks of me seeing my dad speed out of the driveway with my mom hanging on the open window of the car door begging him to stay. She let go and was physically all right; no broken bones but something much more dangerous broke in her. After countless fights over money and trust issues I think my dad began to instigate many of the fights so he could justify leaving us in favor of catting around.

Acting Out

I know a little something about people who are too loud, have no boundaries and act a fool because I was one of those people. The way I see it, I was witnessing domestic violence as a script. The results are ruinous to the innocence of a child. The numerous patterns that needed breaking ran deep. The chaos that empties the vessel of joy and sense of self is tragic at any age but more so when we are too young to have any coping skills.

We were never meant to become empty shells playing some grotesque role that marginalized the authentic self. But here we are.

What We Do With Our Time

Some people like me spent a lifetime healing the deep rents and fissures of the soul. Others put on bandaids and pretend, and others are so unaware they flaunt their pain as if it were some strength of character. Self-righteousness is blinding. No one is infallible.

Anyone so far from center will suffer when the pendulum swings, as it always does. The arc and the back lash will be great. As it goes and as it shall be waste no time judging others.

Who Are You

Get to know yourself, use the power of introspection, do some timeline reviews of your life. It can show you how far you have come or how far you have drifted. Both are valuable and point to the next best step.

Shine your light on what is good. I am not advocating for anyone to stick their head in the sand, but I am encouraging all to invest time and attention into the goodness of life that is happening now. The goodness at home, close to home and beyond the fences. What better way to pave a solid path for future generations to come.

Choose To Be A Catalyst For A Bright Future

Together we can help build a future whose foundation and corner stones are being developed with love and kindness. We may not see it to completion, but our children, grandchildren or their children will be able to enjoy the fruits of our labor. To leave them with a healthy planet and higher consciousness to draw from is a worthy goal. I started with myself and now feel prepared to ask you to do the same. Start with yourself. Love, care and nurture who you are, and the rest will unfold perfectly.